Tears are words that need to be written 1-800-273-8255

     This will be the hardest blog I ever write.  I am about to give you the rawest form of me, the weakest and the most broken.  I have written this no less than 10 times and deleted it.  I am going to paint a picture for you.  Do not judge as it will not do what this blog is intended to do.  This blog is to inform parents, grandparents and anyone who loves someone on the dangers of anxiety, depression and raw emotions.

     March 28th of this year I came home to find Claudia unconscious and covered in her own vomit.  She was incoherent, not able to stand and delirious.  I rushed her to the nearest emergency room where they informed me that it was very serious, at one point I was escorted out of the room.  They thought they needed to shock her heart to get the rhythm in control (her heart rate was in the 200's), her blood sugar was dangerously high, severe dehydration and those were just the worst of the problems.

     What seemed like a lifetime later we discovered that she had taken a lethal dose of pills with the intention of killing herself.  7 prescription bottles and handful of Benadryl.  She wanted to die.  She was immediately transferred to Vanderbilt where she was admitted to the critical care unit and remained there for 3 days.

     While in critical care we wanted no one to come around.  The only ones allowed in the room were us and her sitter.  A sitter is someone is required to be in the room at all times.  While we were sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, etc.  We could not have cell phone cords, everything was locked and taped up so that there was nothing in the room that could be used for her to harm herself.

     While in this room I began to make my phone calls.  Luckily my sister and friends had taken care of the key players and allowed me not to have to tell everyone, I still needed to tell those who have loved Claudia and who have watched her grow.  One special person needed to know, someone who recently had her own loss of epic proportions, someone who had been to the rock bottom and leapt back to the top.   Without hesitation she let me know she was getting in the car and would be to us within the next 7 hours, because that is how far away she lives.  At this point Shawn had gone home to comfort Braydon and decided he needed to return to work.

   A mere 6 hours later an angel showed up in the middle of the night and comforted me.  She allowed me and Claudia both to sleep.  While I went down to the cafeteria to eat breakfast they talked, to this day I am not sure about what but they talked.  A short time later we discovered that Claudia's bed was ready across the street at the psychiatric hospital.  She walked with us over there and held me while I cried as I let Claudia go.  I was only allowed to visit her twice a day for an hour a piece.  I had to leave her in the scariest place she had ever been and walk away.

    She spent 7 days there before she was able to come home, the day before her 14th birthday.  She was diagnosed with severe anxiety that led to a single depressive moment.  She is doing well and weve made some changes within our family.  While life around me continues my world is still standing still, on March 28th.  While I don't blame myself I replay the day over and over again attempting to figure out what went wrong. 
   
      So why is this the rawest thing?  I am PETRIFIED of being judged.  What do we as parents do?  We protect our children, we make sure they are always ok and I failed.  We all fail as parents at something, sometimes its little and other times it is epic.  Instead of supporting each other at our fails we tend to talk about each other and belittle those mothers who have failed their children.  Why?  Usually because it makes us feel better right?  I spend everyday and every night afraid to fail again, next time will she be dead?  She came awfully close this time.

   Things you need to know as parents, grandparents and caretakers......  Benadrly is used in more suicides than you probably realize.  LOCK IT UP and ALL other medications.  Learn signs of depression and anxiety in children.  Claudia gave us no known signs she was struggling, not a single one.  All the doctors told us she truly wanted to die, talk to your kids.  We do all the time and did and sometimes there is nothing that can be done, however I know this was not our fault.

   If you have questions, just ask.  We do not want any other family to have to go through what we have been through.