You have the Power to say "This is not how my story will end".

   This past week was suicide prevention week.   While I did not post much I can tell you each and everyday I had a thought and or a small mental breakdown.  While lots of other things were keeping my mind busy it was the constant thing at the forefront of my mind all week.  I couldn't talk about it without wanting to cry so I just ignored it.  Probably not the best coping method but realistically it got me through a rough week.  I have nothing going on the rest of this day so today I figured I would face it head on.  In honor of National Suicide Prevention Week I will share my side of the hardest days of my life.  I am the one that was potentially left behind.  I was the one that almost planned a funeral, buried my daughter and hit rock bottom.  Again her story is not mine to tell, but when a suicide occurs there are several stories to tell......here is mine.

     Pink, the greatest and most amazing musical artist of my generation (well at least for me).  I got to spend an amazing evening with my closest friends watching her SLAY on stage while staying in a 2 bedroom suite in one of the nicest hotels I have ever stayed in.  It was AMAZING.  I woke up that morning, March 28th and got on my phone.  I discovered that Claudia had made a "spam" Instagram at some point over the past few weeks and people were sending her messages that were pretty inappropriate for her age.  While I knew she had not even checked the messages yet let alone respond, I had questioned her days before this at whether or not she had a spam account.  I texted her and told her we needed to talk when I got home, I was not okay with the Spam account and that we needed to talk.  She asked when I would be home and I said around 3.

     After a fun car ride home I pull into my driveway at 3pm almost on the nose.  Braydon had already left for work and my father in law was washing dishes in the kitchen.  I called for Claudia and did not get a response.  I assumed that she was asleep, she had a sleepover the night before and I know they stay up late.  I knocked on her door and she did not answer so I walked in and the worst smell I have even smelled hit me in the face.  I get closer and notice there is a brown vomit everywhere.  Covering her face, bed, floor, everywhere.  I woke her up and it was hard, I had to physically shake her to get her up.  At this point I am panicked.  She finally wakes up and she is extremely confused, shaking and cannot stand up.  She tried and her legs buckled and she smacked into her dresser hitting her head.  My first thought is she is drunk, very drunk.  Shawn has a love for alcohol (a healthy one for the judgemental people in the group) and our unlocked liquor cabinet was full of lots of different drinks. 

    I make a few phone calls one being Shawn and after making those phone calls I decide she has alcohol poisoning and she is sick, very sick.  The new standalone ER in our town is less than a mile from us so I make the decision to get her in the car and take her to the ER.  I had to carry her.  We got to the ER and I pull up to the door and walk in to get a wheel chair.  I put her in it and wheel her to the front desk and say "Here is a drunk 13 year old, good luck".  Not my finest moment as a mom and the thing I regret the most out of the entire situation.  By the time I park the car and get back in they are feverishly working on her.  They start asking me a slew of questions, most of which I cannot answer since I found her this way not knowing what actually happened.  I am quickly informed that her heart rate was over 200, her blood sugar was dangerously low and she was severely dehydrated.

     At this point I am escorted out of the room so they could work on her.  They inform that they will possibly need to shock her heart to get her heart rate under control.   I make several more phone calls.  At this point Two of my Angels show up.  Carlee and Chelsie are in the waiting room.  So I was in and out of the ER room keeping them updated.  Then is dawns on me, my drunk child was with OTHER kids, there are other kids who could be in the state.  I immediately call the mom of the girl she was with, they also live in our neighborhood and she was at the ER within minutes as well.  At some point Shawn shows up.  Not sure what point but he walks in.  I went out to update everyone waiting and the mom of the friend hands me her cell phone and says my daughter has something you need to know.  I say hello and I immediately hear "When Claudia left my house she said she was going home to kill herself".

    I don't know how but I immediately went into "HOLY SHIT" mode when I realized she tried to kill herself.  I called the house and asked my mother in law to check the trash cans, she started pulling bottle after empty bottle out of the trash can.  So I run back into the room and tell the doctors it was a suicide attempt.  Secretly I think they already knew and did not have enough evidence to tell me that.  Shortly after my mother in law comes in with a Walmart bag full of empty pill bottles.  The look of disgust the doctor gave me when I handed over that bag and the laced with disdain questions he asked as he read each bottle was something my soul will never forget. 

      I went out to the waiting room to tell everyone that Claudia tried to kill herself.  At that exact moment I had a one minute melt down and I curled up into a ball and sobbed while Carlee and Chelsie held me.  It was the one and only time I let myself break down.  I immediately wiped my tears and went back to being Mom and doing what needed to be done.  

     It was shortly after they informed me that there was nothing more that they could do for her and that they were transporting her to Vanderbilt.  My sister showed up and agreed to handle talking to the family, mom and sister and she got a hold of Braydon's boss and got him off early.  My in laws were heading to him to tell him what was going on.  The two besties went to the gas station and filled my car with gas so we could make the trip down to Nashville.  The nurse then came in and told us this was a critical transfer and that they would be going very fast with lights and sirens to Nashville.  Usually transfer take hours to arrange and within ten minutes of them telling us, she was being loaded up to go to Vanderbilt.  The ambulance staff took my cell and said they would call if any issues came up but also told me lights and sirens on the interstate can be more dangerous than helpful and that while they would be going fast the lights and sirens would only come on if she crashed.  So we loaded up and followed the ambulance the whole way down. 

    We arrive in the ER and she goes through the ambulance bay and we go through the front door where we are met by a slew of people asking questions and needing us to follow them.  We get back to her critical care room and the ambulance is handing her off.  Keep in mind since I woke her up she was extremely confused, making no sense, and delusional.  She said lots of funny things in the ambulance to include telling the driver she knew exactly where they were going, they were on their way to the ramen noodle factory.  Its ok to laugh, it was funny and made us all laugh.  This started several hours of her not sleeping, she was in and out of lucidness and all we could do was wait. 

     When we finally got in a room, it takes a while because you need a sitter, everything was zip tied closed, all cords and wires were removed if they were not attached to her and we had to remove all of our own personal items.  There was a cabinet outside the room where we kept cell phones, chargers and my purse.  AT this point the life specialist came around and told us what would happen next,  Luckily I have a sister that semi deals with this on a regular basis so she had already walked me through best case scenario and worst case scenario.  So honestly I was already prepared for the "She has to go to an inpatient care facility".

     The next day I am informed that she is stable enough to transfer and that they have a bed across the street in the Stallworth rehabilitation center.  So we pack up all of our own belongings and get ready to take her over.  My heart was crushing and I was just as lost, scared and confused as Claudia was.  We walked her across the street and they gave me a list of what she could not have with her while in patient and let me know that twice a day I could visit her for an hour.  2 hours a day in an inpatient facility was all I had. 

    After I left her I realized I needed to go to the grocery store, we had no food.  I also needed to get her some pajamas with no drawstrings and some travel toiletries, etc.  The thought of facing people was making me physically ill, I had no desire to run into any person I knew and feel the need to discuss with them why I looked like I had been hit by a freight train.  So I went out of my way to go to different cities to shop.  It was at this point I decided I needed to return to work.  I needed normal and I needed distractions.  So I decide to go back to work on Monday, using long breaks and leaving early to get my 2 visitations.  I lasted 1 day and I am not sure that it was even a full day, for the 1st time in my life I was truly broken. 

     The visits with her were grueling and watching other children never get a visitor was hard.  We would bring her a snack each time which was allowed and we tried to bring stuff for the kids who never had visitors and they would not allow it.  Not only was Claudia in the scariest place I have ever been but so were other children who were having the worst days of their lives and they did not have someone to visit them.  One little girls dad was on his honeymoon with his new wife.........  while I want to judge this dad the one thing this has taught me is you never know someones else's story.  But my heart still very much broke for the kids in there. 

     Suicide is a decision that affects everyone.  It affects every person around you.  My heart has still not recouped from this and my mental status is still on edge.  In between visits I went to the dr to get medication to numb the pain and make it through.  If you or someone you know wants to end their life get help.  Know you are important and loved.  I was told multiple times by multiple doctors her case is a scary one.  That she truly wanted to die.  This was not a cry for her help or a half assed suicide attempt to get mom and dads attention, she truly wanted to end her life to avoid the pain.  Again to us suicide is selfish, this whole post from me is about me and how I felt, which is also selfish.  We are humans and we do what is best for us, suicide is no different.  

  

Tears are words that need to be written 1-800-273-8255

     This will be the hardest blog I ever write.  I am about to give you the rawest form of me, the weakest and the most broken.  I have written this no less than 10 times and deleted it.  I am going to paint a picture for you.  Do not judge as it will not do what this blog is intended to do.  This blog is to inform parents, grandparents and anyone who loves someone on the dangers of anxiety, depression and raw emotions.

     March 28th of this year I came home to find Claudia unconscious and covered in her own vomit.  She was incoherent, not able to stand and delirious.  I rushed her to the nearest emergency room where they informed me that it was very serious, at one point I was escorted out of the room.  They thought they needed to shock her heart to get the rhythm in control (her heart rate was in the 200's), her blood sugar was dangerously high, severe dehydration and those were just the worst of the problems.

     What seemed like a lifetime later we discovered that she had taken a lethal dose of pills with the intention of killing herself.  7 prescription bottles and handful of Benadryl.  She wanted to die.  She was immediately transferred to Vanderbilt where she was admitted to the critical care unit and remained there for 3 days.

     While in critical care we wanted no one to come around.  The only ones allowed in the room were us and her sitter.  A sitter is someone is required to be in the room at all times.  While we were sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, etc.  We could not have cell phone cords, everything was locked and taped up so that there was nothing in the room that could be used for her to harm herself.

     While in this room I began to make my phone calls.  Luckily my sister and friends had taken care of the key players and allowed me not to have to tell everyone, I still needed to tell those who have loved Claudia and who have watched her grow.  One special person needed to know, someone who recently had her own loss of epic proportions, someone who had been to the rock bottom and leapt back to the top.   Without hesitation she let me know she was getting in the car and would be to us within the next 7 hours, because that is how far away she lives.  At this point Shawn had gone home to comfort Braydon and decided he needed to return to work.

   A mere 6 hours later an angel showed up in the middle of the night and comforted me.  She allowed me and Claudia both to sleep.  While I went down to the cafeteria to eat breakfast they talked, to this day I am not sure about what but they talked.  A short time later we discovered that Claudia's bed was ready across the street at the psychiatric hospital.  She walked with us over there and held me while I cried as I let Claudia go.  I was only allowed to visit her twice a day for an hour a piece.  I had to leave her in the scariest place she had ever been and walk away.

    She spent 7 days there before she was able to come home, the day before her 14th birthday.  She was diagnosed with severe anxiety that led to a single depressive moment.  She is doing well and weve made some changes within our family.  While life around me continues my world is still standing still, on March 28th.  While I don't blame myself I replay the day over and over again attempting to figure out what went wrong. 
   
      So why is this the rawest thing?  I am PETRIFIED of being judged.  What do we as parents do?  We protect our children, we make sure they are always ok and I failed.  We all fail as parents at something, sometimes its little and other times it is epic.  Instead of supporting each other at our fails we tend to talk about each other and belittle those mothers who have failed their children.  Why?  Usually because it makes us feel better right?  I spend everyday and every night afraid to fail again, next time will she be dead?  She came awfully close this time.

   Things you need to know as parents, grandparents and caretakers......  Benadrly is used in more suicides than you probably realize.  LOCK IT UP and ALL other medications.  Learn signs of depression and anxiety in children.  Claudia gave us no known signs she was struggling, not a single one.  All the doctors told us she truly wanted to die, talk to your kids.  We do all the time and did and sometimes there is nothing that can be done, however I know this was not our fault.

   If you have questions, just ask.  We do not want any other family to have to go through what we have been through. 

A lot of what is beautiful in this world arises from struggle

Hello everyone!  Sorry Ive not been updating.  We've been super busy over in the Fowler household and I have not had the chance to update.  So lets start with Team Impact!

So Braydon was able to join an organization Called Team Impact.  Not sure if I had the chance to explain it however, it is for children who have/ have had chronic illness.  They get to join a college sports team and become a part of the team.  We got to join the APSU baseball team and Braydon was able to attend and practice with the boys and then also be in the dugout of every home game.  We absolutely fell in love with all the boys and the coach.  This team is TOP NOTCH for both talent and being all around good people.  I can not say enough wonderful things about both the organization and the baseball team.  It got Braydon out of the house and around people, he really needed it.  Here is a picture of him and Jordan one of the players he became close with. 

Braydon also has really really flourished in his Explorers program.  He is truly excelling in the program and has decided to start training for the competition in February.  He has made some awesome friends and when it comes to volunteering to work he does not moan and groan, he loves doing it.  Not many kids I know that have their life planned out but he does and being an officer is at the top of that list.  Here he is at a local run honoring a fallen officer.

We had a ton of amazing firsts this summer and Braydon got to meet my Uncle Mac, which is my dad's brother.  My dad passed in 2003 and he did not leave the majority of his family on good terms.  Ive always stayed in touch with my Aunt Mary, however my dads brothers have been a different story.  I have minimal memories of my Uncle Mac but the ones I do have were at the beach.  Well this summer my children got to meet him and it was the most amazing thing ever.  Uncle Malcolm looks and sounds so much like my dad it was amazing.  I am so very glad my children got to meet him and I cannot wait to have many more family vacations of us all together.  I love my family more than they will ever know and I am so incredibly lucky that my Aunt and Uncle love it when we crash their beach vacation. Here are a few pictures from the beach!

 Braydon got his permit this summer!  WHOOP WHOOP!  One of the biggest things we wanted to accomplish this summer was staying seizure free long enough to get the permit and we did it!  He has been driving all over town and will be getting his first car for his 16th birthday.  He passed the permit test on the first try and I could not be any more proud of him if I tried. 

Not long after he got his permit Braydon was off to Ireland, Wales and London.  He did fantastic!  I was so scared that he would be so forgetful that he would lose his money or passport and he didn't.  Responsibility is a huge thing for kids who live in a constant state of fog from all the medications.  He proved this summer he could handle it!  His teacher announced that the summer of 2019 that he would be taking a group to Germany and Italy and Braydon has already asked him to let us know when and where because he is going.  Here are a few of his pictures from the trip.

Then to end this amazing summer, Braydon got his first job at 15.  He is now making pizzas at Papa Murphys here in town.  He goes straight from school to work most days and works until around 7.  He is doing good at his job and more importantly he is stepping out of his comfort zone and trying to get more social.  Before he was diagnosed he was a super social child and once he started the medications it instantly shut off.  It was like a light switch.  But now he is working on it and getting out there more.

Because of his new job we missed his most recent Neuro Appointment.  We went in and got blood work to check this liver though.  While the initial blood work is showing his liver function is returning back to normal she wants to run an additional panel and recheck a few things this week so we will head back down.  Hopefully they continue to improve. 

Claudia is in full force cheer after her second hip surgery.  She is starting to run again and is pushing herself much harder than the average person.  Her grades are phenomenal and she is starting to amaze me with her capabilities.  She is so super smart, but chose to take the easy path and never study which got her ok grades.  So far this year she is pushing hard and I like it.  Between her hip and a life she has been knocked down by those curve balls a lot, but she always gets back up. 

Well, we are moving in the next two weeks!  We are buying a slightly larger home in the same neighborhood and we have made a mother in laws quarters in the home for my in laws.  So it will be a new crazy adventure for all of us I am sure, but like with everything It is just something new for us to conquer. 

Right now things are good and as with everyone it can change in the blink of an eye.  I am so very thankful for the good times because it always out weighs the bad. 

The purpose of life is to contribute in some way to making things better

     Well you win some and you lose some.  It looks like tonight might be a loss for our boys at APSU.  But, I don't think any of those boys realize what they are winning even when they lose. 

     So through team Impact we have become active and excited APSU baseball fans to include my husband who has never even been a baseball fan.  We thoroughly enjoy spending our weekends out at the baseball field.  Claudia has a blast and has made friends with several of the parents of the baseball players and actively engages in the games to win APSU gear. 

     When we first started this Braydon was hesitant to do it.  I loved the idea of hanging out with the College Baseball team but he is not a social kid and he was scared and nervous.  One of the things I miss the most about Braydon pre epilepsy was his spark for life and his ability to make a stranger his best friend.  He went from being one of the most outgoing children you would ever meet, he did a fashion show, he loved meeting new people, and love playing with other kids.  Epilepsy caused him to be afraid of life and the medication used to control the epilepsy takes his spark.  It really sucks. 

     Jordan and the other boys on the baseball are allowing me glimpses of the kid he once was.  I see the spark from time to time.  Tonight we saw the spark.  Shawn did not want me to pursue this.  He said it would be one more commitment and it was just "too much", tonight Shawn admitted defeat and said this has been one of the best things we could have done for Braydon.  Winning me over is easy, winning Shawn is almost impossible and a baseball team of college boys were not who I thought would do it.

     Winning baseball games comes easy to these boys.  They are amazing players and I have so much respect for all of them.  But they are killing being mentors to a young boy!!  Jordan and another boy ate lunch with Braydon today at school.  They took time out of their day to get B his favorite food, show up and hang out with him.  They are without a doubt changing his life.  When I told Jordan that he was going to make Braydons day his response was "He is going to make my day". 

     The Govs lost on the field but continue to crush at the game of life, these boys are amazing players and people and I know they will all do great things both on and off the field.  If you get the chance join the Fowlers for a game.  We will be at the next home game Friday May 5th. 

One strong wind does not make a storm.

     Hello, all.  Surgery is over and we are home from the hospital to get better.  Surgery went great.  Anesthesia and the Doctor both said she did flawless and even though it took longer her body took it well.  For my science people I have decided to show pictures of what they did.  Her doctor LOVED taking pictures of her hip.  

     So they went in to shave the bone (femur) into a head.  Her femur needed a head and neck and she did not have one because her hip was out of place for so long.  So his plan was to check her Hip Labral (the Cartilage) and shave her femur.  

   So here is Pic #1, this shows the femur before the started the shave.  You can see the divits in the bone that are not allowing it to move properly.

So he knew immediately he would have a ton to do.  So then he shows us her labral.  It was shredded.  He said he had never seen anything that bad in a 12 year old ever.  He is an adult doctor and he said this is the normal for an older adult retired athlete.  

The tiny little shredded particles are supposed to be smooth and solid, not shredded.  So he went to work and anchored the Labral to the bone behind it.  It took three anchors to hold it down.  

He used nylon rope to anchor it in and this is him putting in anchor #2.  Her body handled it all very well and he was impressed with how well she did.

Here is her bone after it was shaved.  You can see he created the head and neck and now the head is smooth not bumpy.

She is one tough cookie, gonna be honest if a Doctor did all this to me you would have to put me out to pasture lol.  We are super proud of her and she cannot wait to show everyone her pics in person.  She is proud of her super cool new hip!!

 

Choose your friends with caution; Plan your future with purpose, and frame your life with faith.

     Well, in just a few days Claudia will be having surgery #2 to correct the damage done on her hip.  I am stressed beyond belief because they are unsure if her hip will be strong enough to continue to cheer.  When I have told people I get a look, like Why are you more concerned about Cheer than her health.  I am not more concerned about her health, but if you knew my story you would know why I am stressed.  So here is my story.....

           When I was kid I had plans.  My plan was to grow up, become an attorney and change the world.  I was going to lock up all the bad people in the world and I was going to be the best.  In early years of high school my parents divorced.  I was living between the two of them and both my older sister had moved out and were living their own lives.  Throughout high school I made some dumb decisions and did not have the grades to go to a four year university.  However, I was not going to give up on my dream.  So I attended a small community college and received several credit towards an associates in Paralegal.  My plan was to work in a law firm and go to school at night.  In my 3rd semester I found out I was pregnant.  After that I laid my plan to rest.  In reality it was not my plan.  I had made decisions that brought me to this point.  I had CHOSEN to do things that brought me here.  I am 100% ok with were my life is now and I could go back to school and become a lawyer, but honestly I no longer want that plan.  My new dream is to help my children achieve theirs.  I am ok with all of this and actually truly love my life.  I have it all, a husband who loves me deeply, two children (although in teenage years I dislike greatly) whom I love and a family and friend support system who are always there for us.  We make people jealous ;)

        Fast forward to B, his dream for as long as we can remember wanted to be in the Army or a Marine.  Epilepsy stole that dream.  It is hard for me to grasp because my life path I ruined, Braydon has not even had the chance to ruin it, epilepsy did that for him. 

       No here we are at Claudia.  About 2 years ago she got the true "bite" for cheer.  She cheered for Coach Vicki her 6th grade year and loved everything about it.  So about this time a year ago she wanted to try out for a competitive team.  Dad and I talked and we were all about it.  Only 3 weeks before she was due to tryout we took her to the dr for a bad limp.  I actually told the girls at work I thought she would be hospitalized and I wouldn't be there for the rest of the week.  See I had googled her symptoms and did some stretches on her to locate the pain.  That showed me she had a SCFE.  The doctor convinced me that she did not need a X-Ray and that I needed to stay off google.  He let me know she could not try out for cheer and "maybe next year".  The limp got worse and by July it was horrible. 

      July we see another Dr who also says we don't need an X-Ray and at the urging of a family member I pushed it.  The Dr came in, told me what I already knew and we got in the car and drove to Vanderbilt Children's hospital.  She had surgery the next day, we spent a few days in the hospital and she recovered well at home.  We were told there would be follow up surgeries over the years which would eventually end in a full hip replacement.  SO she heals well, she cheers with school again (not her best year, but considering her surgery she did amazing) and did a half year performance team with a local gym.  We find out tryout for the competitive team are coming up and we decide to go for it.  We go for our surgery consult for surgery 2 and he says "No try outs this year, maybe next year...".  He followed up with letting us know she may never cheer again.  Her hip is in bad shape and it all depends on her.  How hard she is willing to push and how much pain can she endure.  Also, if her femur will be strong enough to endure the jumps and impacts of cheer. She wanted to get a scholarship to college for cheer.........

       Have you ever been told your child cant do what they love?  Have you ever been told that your childrens life plans are possibly destroyed at no fault of their own?  It's a hard pill to swallow.

     So no, her health is not as important as cheer and no I am not a crazy cheer mom.  I am a mom who is tired of hearing that she might have to tell her children no to something they love.  As a mom I am supposed to support their dreams and encourage their life paths, not tell them no. 

    So my plan will be to continue to support both of them and make decisions on what is best in every aspect of their life.  To help them plan their future with purpose and frame their life faith. 

    

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

Hello my faithful followers.  A few things to talk about tonight.  

Claudia- Her hip is all kinds of jacked up and that is putting it mildly.  However we have a plan to fix it and we are not going to stress it.  We are going shave the right hip were it restricts her range of motion.  This will allow her much much more range of motion and will allow her to try out for competitive cheer like she wants.  Her recovery time is 4 weeks, so we are trying to squeeze her in so she has time to try out for cheer.  Then in a year or two we will remove her hardware and possibly lengthen that leg.  She needs it, she is WAY off center.  So jacked it may be, but it will be fixed over the next few years.  She is tough and is getting what she wants by waiting to remove the hardware so she can still cheer this season.  Right now all the almost 13 year old cares about it cheer, so we will let her have it.

Braydon-  Ready for some exciting news?  Braydon is the newest member of Team Impact.  Team Impact takes kids with life threatening illnesses and chronic illnesses and gives them an opportunity to work directly with a college sports team.  So cool right?  Well we thought so, so we went all in and we have been paired.  Wanna know more?  Here is a link to Team Impact

http://www.goteamimpact.org/about-us/

So who did he get paired with you might ask?  Well we are SUPER excited to announce that we are paired with the Austin Peay State University Baseball Team.  Braydon will be spending some time with the Baseball team starting tomorrow.  This is huge and I will get to the whys in a minute.  Braydon smiled for the first time in a long time, like a genuine smile.  My mom is going to be taking him to the APSU baseball field and will be staying with him until I can get off of work.  We will be attending our first game either Friday or Saturday.   

Here is the APSU baseball website

http://letsgopeay.com/index.aspx?path=baseball&

So why?  Easy, my kid needs some self confidence and motivation.  I am hoping these college kids who are volunteering their time to spend it with Braydon will help.  He will get to attend practices and games at his choosing.  

I met the coach today who told me with all honesty he had no desire to be a part of this and really didn't like the idea of it.  But he said the magic words, he prayed about it.  The more he thought and prayed about it he decided to speak with me and give it a try.  He asked a lot of "tough" questions.  The more we talked the more I liked him.  He was straight forward and had some great questions.  One of the hardest was "Tell me what he was like before?"

Wow, it was like the wind was knocked out of me.  How was he "before"?  Well that is easy, he was so super social and had so many friends.  He was funny, oh my goodness he was hilarious.  He was so outgoing and talked to everyone and anyone.  He was happy.  He. Was. Happy.

I want someone to ask me to tell them about Braydon and me be able to say"He IS happy".  I cant right now and as a Parent that is the WORST feeling in the world.  So for now we search for his happiness.  His happiness is something that only he can find.  I can help him and I can push him in certain directions, which is what I have done with Team Impact and the APSU Baseball team.  I'm hoping Coach Travis and the team can help him find himself again and bring him a joy I rarely see anymore.  So just like the Coach said Im going to pray on this.  I am going to pray that God will help us find his happiness and that he will lead this team and this coach to help him.  

Right now I am sad.  And it is ok.  Ive had to remind myself it is ok to be sad.  Being happy all the time does not make everything better, it just lets the outsiders think it is.   I'm sad I let this get this far.  I HATE epilepsy and everything it has taken from the family. 

You never know someones struggle until you have walked a mile in their shoes.  I'm so incredibly lucky my struggle is not worse.  It could be.  I am so blessed for this opportunity for Braydon to met some amazing college students who have worked hard to be APSU baseball players. I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I found Team Impact for a reason, the baseball team was picked for a reason and the Prayer of the Coach changing his mind is all part of a plan.  I can't wait to see how the plan plays out.