Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.

“I want to grow. I want to be better. You Grow. We all grow. We’re made to grow. You either evolve or you disappear.” — Tupac Shakur

    It has been a minute, or a few years since I posted on my blog.  But let's get into why I am here. Today I saw on Facebook a post about supporting Ben Neely Trauma Support Inc.  Ben Neely is not anyone whom I have ever personally met, however, his story rocked my heart as his sweet momma lost a piece of her.  So I immediately went to the website and signed up to volunteer.   Not long after Ben's mom reached out Via Facebook and I was super excited to hear from her, I am officially going to get to Volunteer at my first BNTS event in November.  Fast Forward to my drive home, having a lot on my heart, head, you name it, and spending the car ride with thoughts flooding my brain. When I got home, I sat in my car, which is a way I like to decompress.  I get back on the good ole Facebook and see that 5 years ago today I shared a very raw part of my life with everyone.  I choose to discuss Claudia's Suicide attempt publicly.

    Why does this matter?  I still struggle each and every day with that one day 5 years ago.  Claudia is great and doing the best she has ever done, I do however struggle daily.  After talking with my sister she mentioned finding something that makes me happy again.  Finding how I can find that piece of me that I need to repair and a way to repair it.  How amazing is it that on the same day, I was reminded of my love of writing AND found an organization to volunteer with and a way to channel this piece of me that needs repairing?

    So where are the Fowlers in life?  Braydon is working his dream job, but not as a police officer.  He is working at the Ruff Life Pet Resort and KILLING it.  

    Claudia is living her best 19-year-old life, spending time with her besties, and boyfriend, and working at the Ruff Life as well.  She continues to work hard towards becoming a Paramedic.

    Shawn is also Killing it at work, continuing to be better than he was the day before and doing his best to ensure that his employees are well cared for and happy!  He is still 100% my best friend and I absolutely love doing life with him!

    What about me?  Well, I made a HUGE change in October leaving my job of 18 years to start a new adventure.  I am the Director of Operations for Primrose Preschool.  I love my new job, my coworkers, and the families.  It was a difficult decision but one that was much needed for my personal growth.   After leaving I was pushed away, deleted, ignored, and accused of things by people that I truly loved.  My mental health declined and it took me a while to find my worth again, but I have learned I create my worth, no one else sets that for me.  I cannot choose how others treat me, I can however make the choice on how I react.  I am slowly rebuilding what was taken from me by those that I trusted and I personally believe I am KILLING it too!!  So let them.........

“Let Them”

“Just Let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave,
hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

Let them lose you.
You were never theirs, because you were always your own.

So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you. “

    

  

The best way to predict the future is to create it

Good Morning all!!  Hope everyone is having an amazing Sunday.  I felt compelled to get on and drop a few lines.  Lets do a recap!!

Braydon is a HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR!!  My word where did the time go?  We went from having this tiny sweet boy to this grown man and I swear all I did was blink.  His seizures are very well controlled and things seem to be going very well.  He works a lot and is doing his best to make this year count at school.  He has his 1st neurology appointment as an adult next month and I am honestly contemplating if I should go or not.  I am really thinking I will sit this one out and let him do his thing solo.  It gives me a lot of anxiety, but he is an adult. 

He is hoping to go to a 2 year school and get his degree in Criminal Justice and become a Montgomery County Sheriffs Deputy.  He is still very active in the Explorers group and does very well with his training. 

Claudia is doing very well.  She is a normal teenage girl driving her mom crazy and the apple of dads eye lol!!  Grades are going very well and I am hoping this year will be the turn around for school.  She finished several rounds of EMDR therapy with her amazing therapist and I think she is on the path to healing.  Life will never be the same, but I think we are all healing.

The aftermath from the day she tried to take her own life is still very present in our lives.  I literally base so many of my decisions on my own life around that day.  I think about that day and how I could have changed the moments, day and even weeks up to it so that she never felt so much pain.  On average I replay it in my head 3 times a day sometimes more if we are having a bad day.  My healing has been helping others. 

To all my people who look at my life in the constant state of chaos that it is, know that all people live in a constant state of chaos.  Only a few select special ones like myself choose to share it publicly.  Every person I know and talk to has anxiety, stress, and home life problems.  Choose your future.  My life will never be cookie cutter perfect and neither will yours.  My future will continue to be the same hot mess my current life is (I seriously locked myself out of my house on Friday and had to have the BFF come and pick me up). 

So my words of wisdom on this Sunday Morning-

Always be the mom you wanted, even though it will still not be the perfect mom to your child.
Choose to be happy, sometimes it is the hardest thing, but try.
Take your heartache and turn it into something amazing. 

You have the Power to say "This is not how my story will end".

   This past week was suicide prevention week.   While I did not post much I can tell you each and everyday I had a thought and or a small mental breakdown.  While lots of other things were keeping my mind busy it was the constant thing at the forefront of my mind all week.  I couldn't talk about it without wanting to cry so I just ignored it.  Probably not the best coping method but realistically it got me through a rough week.  I have nothing going on the rest of this day so today I figured I would face it head on.  In honor of National Suicide Prevention Week I will share my side of the hardest days of my life.  I am the one that was potentially left behind.  I was the one that almost planned a funeral, buried my daughter and hit rock bottom.  Again her story is not mine to tell, but when a suicide occurs there are several stories to tell......here is mine.

     Pink, the greatest and most amazing musical artist of my generation (well at least for me).  I got to spend an amazing evening with my closest friends watching her SLAY on stage while staying in a 2 bedroom suite in one of the nicest hotels I have ever stayed in.  It was AMAZING.  I woke up that morning, March 28th and got on my phone.  I discovered that Claudia had made a "spam" Instagram at some point over the past few weeks and people were sending her messages that were pretty inappropriate for her age.  While I knew she had not even checked the messages yet let alone respond, I had questioned her days before this at whether or not she had a spam account.  I texted her and told her we needed to talk when I got home, I was not okay with the Spam account and that we needed to talk.  She asked when I would be home and I said around 3.

     After a fun car ride home I pull into my driveway at 3pm almost on the nose.  Braydon had already left for work and my father in law was washing dishes in the kitchen.  I called for Claudia and did not get a response.  I assumed that she was asleep, she had a sleepover the night before and I know they stay up late.  I knocked on her door and she did not answer so I walked in and the worst smell I have even smelled hit me in the face.  I get closer and notice there is a brown vomit everywhere.  Covering her face, bed, floor, everywhere.  I woke her up and it was hard, I had to physically shake her to get her up.  At this point I am panicked.  She finally wakes up and she is extremely confused, shaking and cannot stand up.  She tried and her legs buckled and she smacked into her dresser hitting her head.  My first thought is she is drunk, very drunk.  Shawn has a love for alcohol (a healthy one for the judgemental people in the group) and our unlocked liquor cabinet was full of lots of different drinks. 

    I make a few phone calls one being Shawn and after making those phone calls I decide she has alcohol poisoning and she is sick, very sick.  The new standalone ER in our town is less than a mile from us so I make the decision to get her in the car and take her to the ER.  I had to carry her.  We got to the ER and I pull up to the door and walk in to get a wheel chair.  I put her in it and wheel her to the front desk and say "Here is a drunk 13 year old, good luck".  Not my finest moment as a mom and the thing I regret the most out of the entire situation.  By the time I park the car and get back in they are feverishly working on her.  They start asking me a slew of questions, most of which I cannot answer since I found her this way not knowing what actually happened.  I am quickly informed that her heart rate was over 200, her blood sugar was dangerously low and she was severely dehydrated.

     At this point I am escorted out of the room so they could work on her.  They inform that they will possibly need to shock her heart to get her heart rate under control.   I make several more phone calls.  At this point Two of my Angels show up.  Carlee and Chelsie are in the waiting room.  So I was in and out of the ER room keeping them updated.  Then is dawns on me, my drunk child was with OTHER kids, there are other kids who could be in the state.  I immediately call the mom of the girl she was with, they also live in our neighborhood and she was at the ER within minutes as well.  At some point Shawn shows up.  Not sure what point but he walks in.  I went out to update everyone waiting and the mom of the friend hands me her cell phone and says my daughter has something you need to know.  I say hello and I immediately hear "When Claudia left my house she said she was going home to kill herself".

    I don't know how but I immediately went into "HOLY SHIT" mode when I realized she tried to kill herself.  I called the house and asked my mother in law to check the trash cans, she started pulling bottle after empty bottle out of the trash can.  So I run back into the room and tell the doctors it was a suicide attempt.  Secretly I think they already knew and did not have enough evidence to tell me that.  Shortly after my mother in law comes in with a Walmart bag full of empty pill bottles.  The look of disgust the doctor gave me when I handed over that bag and the laced with disdain questions he asked as he read each bottle was something my soul will never forget. 

      I went out to the waiting room to tell everyone that Claudia tried to kill herself.  At that exact moment I had a one minute melt down and I curled up into a ball and sobbed while Carlee and Chelsie held me.  It was the one and only time I let myself break down.  I immediately wiped my tears and went back to being Mom and doing what needed to be done.  

     It was shortly after they informed me that there was nothing more that they could do for her and that they were transporting her to Vanderbilt.  My sister showed up and agreed to handle talking to the family, mom and sister and she got a hold of Braydon's boss and got him off early.  My in laws were heading to him to tell him what was going on.  The two besties went to the gas station and filled my car with gas so we could make the trip down to Nashville.  The nurse then came in and told us this was a critical transfer and that they would be going very fast with lights and sirens to Nashville.  Usually transfer take hours to arrange and within ten minutes of them telling us, she was being loaded up to go to Vanderbilt.  The ambulance staff took my cell and said they would call if any issues came up but also told me lights and sirens on the interstate can be more dangerous than helpful and that while they would be going fast the lights and sirens would only come on if she crashed.  So we loaded up and followed the ambulance the whole way down. 

    We arrive in the ER and she goes through the ambulance bay and we go through the front door where we are met by a slew of people asking questions and needing us to follow them.  We get back to her critical care room and the ambulance is handing her off.  Keep in mind since I woke her up she was extremely confused, making no sense, and delusional.  She said lots of funny things in the ambulance to include telling the driver she knew exactly where they were going, they were on their way to the ramen noodle factory.  Its ok to laugh, it was funny and made us all laugh.  This started several hours of her not sleeping, she was in and out of lucidness and all we could do was wait. 

     When we finally got in a room, it takes a while because you need a sitter, everything was zip tied closed, all cords and wires were removed if they were not attached to her and we had to remove all of our own personal items.  There was a cabinet outside the room where we kept cell phones, chargers and my purse.  AT this point the life specialist came around and told us what would happen next,  Luckily I have a sister that semi deals with this on a regular basis so she had already walked me through best case scenario and worst case scenario.  So honestly I was already prepared for the "She has to go to an inpatient care facility".

     The next day I am informed that she is stable enough to transfer and that they have a bed across the street in the Stallworth rehabilitation center.  So we pack up all of our own belongings and get ready to take her over.  My heart was crushing and I was just as lost, scared and confused as Claudia was.  We walked her across the street and they gave me a list of what she could not have with her while in patient and let me know that twice a day I could visit her for an hour.  2 hours a day in an inpatient facility was all I had. 

    After I left her I realized I needed to go to the grocery store, we had no food.  I also needed to get her some pajamas with no drawstrings and some travel toiletries, etc.  The thought of facing people was making me physically ill, I had no desire to run into any person I knew and feel the need to discuss with them why I looked like I had been hit by a freight train.  So I went out of my way to go to different cities to shop.  It was at this point I decided I needed to return to work.  I needed normal and I needed distractions.  So I decide to go back to work on Monday, using long breaks and leaving early to get my 2 visitations.  I lasted 1 day and I am not sure that it was even a full day, for the 1st time in my life I was truly broken. 

     The visits with her were grueling and watching other children never get a visitor was hard.  We would bring her a snack each time which was allowed and we tried to bring stuff for the kids who never had visitors and they would not allow it.  Not only was Claudia in the scariest place I have ever been but so were other children who were having the worst days of their lives and they did not have someone to visit them.  One little girls dad was on his honeymoon with his new wife.........  while I want to judge this dad the one thing this has taught me is you never know someones else's story.  But my heart still very much broke for the kids in there. 

     Suicide is a decision that affects everyone.  It affects every person around you.  My heart has still not recouped from this and my mental status is still on edge.  In between visits I went to the dr to get medication to numb the pain and make it through.  If you or someone you know wants to end their life get help.  Know you are important and loved.  I was told multiple times by multiple doctors her case is a scary one.  That she truly wanted to die.  This was not a cry for her help or a half assed suicide attempt to get mom and dads attention, she truly wanted to end her life to avoid the pain.  Again to us suicide is selfish, this whole post from me is about me and how I felt, which is also selfish.  We are humans and we do what is best for us, suicide is no different.  

  

Tears are words that need to be written 1-800-273-8255

     This will be the hardest blog I ever write.  I am about to give you the rawest form of me, the weakest and the most broken.  I have written this no less than 10 times and deleted it.  I am going to paint a picture for you.  Do not judge as it will not do what this blog is intended to do.  This blog is to inform parents, grandparents and anyone who loves someone on the dangers of anxiety, depression and raw emotions.

     March 28th of this year I came home to find Claudia unconscious and covered in her own vomit.  She was incoherent, not able to stand and delirious.  I rushed her to the nearest emergency room where they informed me that it was very serious, at one point I was escorted out of the room.  They thought they needed to shock her heart to get the rhythm in control (her heart rate was in the 200's), her blood sugar was dangerously high, severe dehydration and those were just the worst of the problems.

     What seemed like a lifetime later we discovered that she had taken a lethal dose of pills with the intention of killing herself.  7 prescription bottles and handful of Benadryl.  She wanted to die.  She was immediately transferred to Vanderbilt where she was admitted to the critical care unit and remained there for 3 days.

     While in critical care we wanted no one to come around.  The only ones allowed in the room were us and her sitter.  A sitter is someone is required to be in the room at all times.  While we were sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, etc.  We could not have cell phone cords, everything was locked and taped up so that there was nothing in the room that could be used for her to harm herself.

     While in this room I began to make my phone calls.  Luckily my sister and friends had taken care of the key players and allowed me not to have to tell everyone, I still needed to tell those who have loved Claudia and who have watched her grow.  One special person needed to know, someone who recently had her own loss of epic proportions, someone who had been to the rock bottom and leapt back to the top.   Without hesitation she let me know she was getting in the car and would be to us within the next 7 hours, because that is how far away she lives.  At this point Shawn had gone home to comfort Braydon and decided he needed to return to work.

   A mere 6 hours later an angel showed up in the middle of the night and comforted me.  She allowed me and Claudia both to sleep.  While I went down to the cafeteria to eat breakfast they talked, to this day I am not sure about what but they talked.  A short time later we discovered that Claudia's bed was ready across the street at the psychiatric hospital.  She walked with us over there and held me while I cried as I let Claudia go.  I was only allowed to visit her twice a day for an hour a piece.  I had to leave her in the scariest place she had ever been and walk away.

    She spent 7 days there before she was able to come home, the day before her 14th birthday.  She was diagnosed with severe anxiety that led to a single depressive moment.  She is doing well and weve made some changes within our family.  While life around me continues my world is still standing still, on March 28th.  While I don't blame myself I replay the day over and over again attempting to figure out what went wrong. 
   
      So why is this the rawest thing?  I am PETRIFIED of being judged.  What do we as parents do?  We protect our children, we make sure they are always ok and I failed.  We all fail as parents at something, sometimes its little and other times it is epic.  Instead of supporting each other at our fails we tend to talk about each other and belittle those mothers who have failed their children.  Why?  Usually because it makes us feel better right?  I spend everyday and every night afraid to fail again, next time will she be dead?  She came awfully close this time.

   Things you need to know as parents, grandparents and caretakers......  Benadrly is used in more suicides than you probably realize.  LOCK IT UP and ALL other medications.  Learn signs of depression and anxiety in children.  Claudia gave us no known signs she was struggling, not a single one.  All the doctors told us she truly wanted to die, talk to your kids.  We do all the time and did and sometimes there is nothing that can be done, however I know this was not our fault.

   If you have questions, just ask.  We do not want any other family to have to go through what we have been through. 

A lot of what is beautiful in this world arises from struggle

Hello everyone!  Sorry Ive not been updating.  We've been super busy over in the Fowler household and I have not had the chance to update.  So lets start with Team Impact!

So Braydon was able to join an organization Called Team Impact.  Not sure if I had the chance to explain it however, it is for children who have/ have had chronic illness.  They get to join a college sports team and become a part of the team.  We got to join the APSU baseball team and Braydon was able to attend and practice with the boys and then also be in the dugout of every home game.  We absolutely fell in love with all the boys and the coach.  This team is TOP NOTCH for both talent and being all around good people.  I can not say enough wonderful things about both the organization and the baseball team.  It got Braydon out of the house and around people, he really needed it.  Here is a picture of him and Jordan one of the players he became close with. 

Braydon also has really really flourished in his Explorers program.  He is truly excelling in the program and has decided to start training for the competition in February.  He has made some awesome friends and when it comes to volunteering to work he does not moan and groan, he loves doing it.  Not many kids I know that have their life planned out but he does and being an officer is at the top of that list.  Here he is at a local run honoring a fallen officer.

We had a ton of amazing firsts this summer and Braydon got to meet my Uncle Mac, which is my dad's brother.  My dad passed in 2003 and he did not leave the majority of his family on good terms.  Ive always stayed in touch with my Aunt Mary, however my dads brothers have been a different story.  I have minimal memories of my Uncle Mac but the ones I do have were at the beach.  Well this summer my children got to meet him and it was the most amazing thing ever.  Uncle Malcolm looks and sounds so much like my dad it was amazing.  I am so very glad my children got to meet him and I cannot wait to have many more family vacations of us all together.  I love my family more than they will ever know and I am so incredibly lucky that my Aunt and Uncle love it when we crash their beach vacation. Here are a few pictures from the beach!

 Braydon got his permit this summer!  WHOOP WHOOP!  One of the biggest things we wanted to accomplish this summer was staying seizure free long enough to get the permit and we did it!  He has been driving all over town and will be getting his first car for his 16th birthday.  He passed the permit test on the first try and I could not be any more proud of him if I tried. 

Not long after he got his permit Braydon was off to Ireland, Wales and London.  He did fantastic!  I was so scared that he would be so forgetful that he would lose his money or passport and he didn't.  Responsibility is a huge thing for kids who live in a constant state of fog from all the medications.  He proved this summer he could handle it!  His teacher announced that the summer of 2019 that he would be taking a group to Germany and Italy and Braydon has already asked him to let us know when and where because he is going.  Here are a few of his pictures from the trip.

Then to end this amazing summer, Braydon got his first job at 15.  He is now making pizzas at Papa Murphys here in town.  He goes straight from school to work most days and works until around 7.  He is doing good at his job and more importantly he is stepping out of his comfort zone and trying to get more social.  Before he was diagnosed he was a super social child and once he started the medications it instantly shut off.  It was like a light switch.  But now he is working on it and getting out there more.

Because of his new job we missed his most recent Neuro Appointment.  We went in and got blood work to check this liver though.  While the initial blood work is showing his liver function is returning back to normal she wants to run an additional panel and recheck a few things this week so we will head back down.  Hopefully they continue to improve. 

Claudia is in full force cheer after her second hip surgery.  She is starting to run again and is pushing herself much harder than the average person.  Her grades are phenomenal and she is starting to amaze me with her capabilities.  She is so super smart, but chose to take the easy path and never study which got her ok grades.  So far this year she is pushing hard and I like it.  Between her hip and a life she has been knocked down by those curve balls a lot, but she always gets back up. 

Well, we are moving in the next two weeks!  We are buying a slightly larger home in the same neighborhood and we have made a mother in laws quarters in the home for my in laws.  So it will be a new crazy adventure for all of us I am sure, but like with everything It is just something new for us to conquer. 

Right now things are good and as with everyone it can change in the blink of an eye.  I am so very thankful for the good times because it always out weighs the bad. 

The purpose of life is to contribute in some way to making things better

     Well you win some and you lose some.  It looks like tonight might be a loss for our boys at APSU.  But, I don't think any of those boys realize what they are winning even when they lose. 

     So through team Impact we have become active and excited APSU baseball fans to include my husband who has never even been a baseball fan.  We thoroughly enjoy spending our weekends out at the baseball field.  Claudia has a blast and has made friends with several of the parents of the baseball players and actively engages in the games to win APSU gear. 

     When we first started this Braydon was hesitant to do it.  I loved the idea of hanging out with the College Baseball team but he is not a social kid and he was scared and nervous.  One of the things I miss the most about Braydon pre epilepsy was his spark for life and his ability to make a stranger his best friend.  He went from being one of the most outgoing children you would ever meet, he did a fashion show, he loved meeting new people, and love playing with other kids.  Epilepsy caused him to be afraid of life and the medication used to control the epilepsy takes his spark.  It really sucks. 

     Jordan and the other boys on the baseball are allowing me glimpses of the kid he once was.  I see the spark from time to time.  Tonight we saw the spark.  Shawn did not want me to pursue this.  He said it would be one more commitment and it was just "too much", tonight Shawn admitted defeat and said this has been one of the best things we could have done for Braydon.  Winning me over is easy, winning Shawn is almost impossible and a baseball team of college boys were not who I thought would do it.

     Winning baseball games comes easy to these boys.  They are amazing players and I have so much respect for all of them.  But they are killing being mentors to a young boy!!  Jordan and another boy ate lunch with Braydon today at school.  They took time out of their day to get B his favorite food, show up and hang out with him.  They are without a doubt changing his life.  When I told Jordan that he was going to make Braydons day his response was "He is going to make my day". 

     The Govs lost on the field but continue to crush at the game of life, these boys are amazing players and people and I know they will all do great things both on and off the field.  If you get the chance join the Fowlers for a game.  We will be at the next home game Friday May 5th. 

One strong wind does not make a storm.

     Hello, all.  Surgery is over and we are home from the hospital to get better.  Surgery went great.  Anesthesia and the Doctor both said she did flawless and even though it took longer her body took it well.  For my science people I have decided to show pictures of what they did.  Her doctor LOVED taking pictures of her hip.  

     So they went in to shave the bone (femur) into a head.  Her femur needed a head and neck and she did not have one because her hip was out of place for so long.  So his plan was to check her Hip Labral (the Cartilage) and shave her femur.  

   So here is Pic #1, this shows the femur before the started the shave.  You can see the divits in the bone that are not allowing it to move properly.

So he knew immediately he would have a ton to do.  So then he shows us her labral.  It was shredded.  He said he had never seen anything that bad in a 12 year old ever.  He is an adult doctor and he said this is the normal for an older adult retired athlete.  

The tiny little shredded particles are supposed to be smooth and solid, not shredded.  So he went to work and anchored the Labral to the bone behind it.  It took three anchors to hold it down.  

He used nylon rope to anchor it in and this is him putting in anchor #2.  Her body handled it all very well and he was impressed with how well she did.

Here is her bone after it was shaved.  You can see he created the head and neck and now the head is smooth not bumpy.

She is one tough cookie, gonna be honest if a Doctor did all this to me you would have to put me out to pasture lol.  We are super proud of her and she cannot wait to show everyone her pics in person.  She is proud of her super cool new hip!!

 

Choose your friends with caution; Plan your future with purpose, and frame your life with faith.

     Well, in just a few days Claudia will be having surgery #2 to correct the damage done on her hip.  I am stressed beyond belief because they are unsure if her hip will be strong enough to continue to cheer.  When I have told people I get a look, like Why are you more concerned about Cheer than her health.  I am not more concerned about her health, but if you knew my story you would know why I am stressed.  So here is my story.....

           When I was kid I had plans.  My plan was to grow up, become an attorney and change the world.  I was going to lock up all the bad people in the world and I was going to be the best.  In early years of high school my parents divorced.  I was living between the two of them and both my older sister had moved out and were living their own lives.  Throughout high school I made some dumb decisions and did not have the grades to go to a four year university.  However, I was not going to give up on my dream.  So I attended a small community college and received several credit towards an associates in Paralegal.  My plan was to work in a law firm and go to school at night.  In my 3rd semester I found out I was pregnant.  After that I laid my plan to rest.  In reality it was not my plan.  I had made decisions that brought me to this point.  I had CHOSEN to do things that brought me here.  I am 100% ok with were my life is now and I could go back to school and become a lawyer, but honestly I no longer want that plan.  My new dream is to help my children achieve theirs.  I am ok with all of this and actually truly love my life.  I have it all, a husband who loves me deeply, two children (although in teenage years I dislike greatly) whom I love and a family and friend support system who are always there for us.  We make people jealous ;)

        Fast forward to B, his dream for as long as we can remember wanted to be in the Army or a Marine.  Epilepsy stole that dream.  It is hard for me to grasp because my life path I ruined, Braydon has not even had the chance to ruin it, epilepsy did that for him. 

       No here we are at Claudia.  About 2 years ago she got the true "bite" for cheer.  She cheered for Coach Vicki her 6th grade year and loved everything about it.  So about this time a year ago she wanted to try out for a competitive team.  Dad and I talked and we were all about it.  Only 3 weeks before she was due to tryout we took her to the dr for a bad limp.  I actually told the girls at work I thought she would be hospitalized and I wouldn't be there for the rest of the week.  See I had googled her symptoms and did some stretches on her to locate the pain.  That showed me she had a SCFE.  The doctor convinced me that she did not need a X-Ray and that I needed to stay off google.  He let me know she could not try out for cheer and "maybe next year".  The limp got worse and by July it was horrible. 

      July we see another Dr who also says we don't need an X-Ray and at the urging of a family member I pushed it.  The Dr came in, told me what I already knew and we got in the car and drove to Vanderbilt Children's hospital.  She had surgery the next day, we spent a few days in the hospital and she recovered well at home.  We were told there would be follow up surgeries over the years which would eventually end in a full hip replacement.  SO she heals well, she cheers with school again (not her best year, but considering her surgery she did amazing) and did a half year performance team with a local gym.  We find out tryout for the competitive team are coming up and we decide to go for it.  We go for our surgery consult for surgery 2 and he says "No try outs this year, maybe next year...".  He followed up with letting us know she may never cheer again.  Her hip is in bad shape and it all depends on her.  How hard she is willing to push and how much pain can she endure.  Also, if her femur will be strong enough to endure the jumps and impacts of cheer. She wanted to get a scholarship to college for cheer.........

       Have you ever been told your child cant do what they love?  Have you ever been told that your childrens life plans are possibly destroyed at no fault of their own?  It's a hard pill to swallow.

     So no, her health is not as important as cheer and no I am not a crazy cheer mom.  I am a mom who is tired of hearing that she might have to tell her children no to something they love.  As a mom I am supposed to support their dreams and encourage their life paths, not tell them no. 

    So my plan will be to continue to support both of them and make decisions on what is best in every aspect of their life.  To help them plan their future with purpose and frame their life faith. 

    

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

Hello my faithful followers.  A few things to talk about tonight.  

Claudia- Her hip is all kinds of jacked up and that is putting it mildly.  However we have a plan to fix it and we are not going to stress it.  We are going shave the right hip were it restricts her range of motion.  This will allow her much much more range of motion and will allow her to try out for competitive cheer like she wants.  Her recovery time is 4 weeks, so we are trying to squeeze her in so she has time to try out for cheer.  Then in a year or two we will remove her hardware and possibly lengthen that leg.  She needs it, she is WAY off center.  So jacked it may be, but it will be fixed over the next few years.  She is tough and is getting what she wants by waiting to remove the hardware so she can still cheer this season.  Right now all the almost 13 year old cares about it cheer, so we will let her have it.

Braydon-  Ready for some exciting news?  Braydon is the newest member of Team Impact.  Team Impact takes kids with life threatening illnesses and chronic illnesses and gives them an opportunity to work directly with a college sports team.  So cool right?  Well we thought so, so we went all in and we have been paired.  Wanna know more?  Here is a link to Team Impact

http://www.goteamimpact.org/about-us/

So who did he get paired with you might ask?  Well we are SUPER excited to announce that we are paired with the Austin Peay State University Baseball Team.  Braydon will be spending some time with the Baseball team starting tomorrow.  This is huge and I will get to the whys in a minute.  Braydon smiled for the first time in a long time, like a genuine smile.  My mom is going to be taking him to the APSU baseball field and will be staying with him until I can get off of work.  We will be attending our first game either Friday or Saturday.   

Here is the APSU baseball website

http://letsgopeay.com/index.aspx?path=baseball&

So why?  Easy, my kid needs some self confidence and motivation.  I am hoping these college kids who are volunteering their time to spend it with Braydon will help.  He will get to attend practices and games at his choosing.  

I met the coach today who told me with all honesty he had no desire to be a part of this and really didn't like the idea of it.  But he said the magic words, he prayed about it.  The more he thought and prayed about it he decided to speak with me and give it a try.  He asked a lot of "tough" questions.  The more we talked the more I liked him.  He was straight forward and had some great questions.  One of the hardest was "Tell me what he was like before?"

Wow, it was like the wind was knocked out of me.  How was he "before"?  Well that is easy, he was so super social and had so many friends.  He was funny, oh my goodness he was hilarious.  He was so outgoing and talked to everyone and anyone.  He was happy.  He. Was. Happy.

I want someone to ask me to tell them about Braydon and me be able to say"He IS happy".  I cant right now and as a Parent that is the WORST feeling in the world.  So for now we search for his happiness.  His happiness is something that only he can find.  I can help him and I can push him in certain directions, which is what I have done with Team Impact and the APSU Baseball team.  I'm hoping Coach Travis and the team can help him find himself again and bring him a joy I rarely see anymore.  So just like the Coach said Im going to pray on this.  I am going to pray that God will help us find his happiness and that he will lead this team and this coach to help him.  

Right now I am sad.  And it is ok.  Ive had to remind myself it is ok to be sad.  Being happy all the time does not make everything better, it just lets the outsiders think it is.   I'm sad I let this get this far.  I HATE epilepsy and everything it has taken from the family. 

You never know someones struggle until you have walked a mile in their shoes.  I'm so incredibly lucky my struggle is not worse.  It could be.  I am so blessed for this opportunity for Braydon to met some amazing college students who have worked hard to be APSU baseball players. I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I found Team Impact for a reason, the baseball team was picked for a reason and the Prayer of the Coach changing his mind is all part of a plan.  I can't wait to see how the plan plays out. 

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircares

First let me address some awesomeness!!  Claudia successfully completed her first cheer competition.  This is huge, especially since the night before it was 80 degrees and the morning of the competition it was 33.  We are learning how to deal with her hip so Friday night we iced her up, gave her ibuprofen and wished for the best.  Honestly it could not have gone any better.  Those girls worked hard, looked great and did amazing.  I am 100% sure when she wakes up today she is going to be in some serious pain, however she has already told me it was worth it.  So starting on Monday we have added a new class for cheer and she will be trying out for the competition team this spring.  Here are a couple pics from yesterday

We head to Vanderbilt on Wednesday and we will get some new xrays and hopefully get the next surgery scheduled.  Once they shave the bone she will be able to stretch that hip out so much more and I just know some stunts she wants to nail will be so much easier.

Now onto Braydon and his appointments last week.  All went well.  We saw two of his doctors and they both were pleased with the progress they have seen in the six months since they last saw him.  They were both concerned about his weight, as we all are.  Shawn and I both have been working with him, working out, eating better and trying to mentally help him.  I approached the subject of depression and Dr. Braun (his adolescent Dr) said honestly being aware there is potential for an issue is the first step.  She did not think at this point and time we needed to do anything going forward just keep an eye on it.  She gave us a list of counselors to have him talk to at any point we feel he needs it.  

His Neuro Dr (Dr. Robinson) tried to get him to have a tremor in office and could not do it.  She noticed he shakes pretty bad, he could not hold a glass of water steady and could not draw straight lines.  So she talked about going up in medication because she believes that the shaking and tremors are not necessarily seizures, but without a doubt neurological.  Every time we see her now we have to check his liver enzymes and his depakote level.  He currently takes three seizure medications.  

1.  levetiracetam 2000mg twice a day

2.  depakote 1000mg twice a day (this is a Valproic Acid)

3. gabapentin 300mg Once a day

#1 does not metabolize through the liver, #2 is known to be very harsh on the liver and #3 honestly is up in the air.  I was told that he is not taking enough of #3 to affect the liver.  

So when we left her office the plan was to probably increase #2 or #3 to help with the tremors but we needed to wait until the blood work came back.  Well they came back they were not at all what we expected.  His liver is out of whack and it is a result of the medications.  His liver enzymes are too high and his Valproic levels are too high. 

So what do we do?  After a few days of waiting to hear from Dr. Robinson the decision is Nothing.  We have tried other medications to control the seizures and he had some bad reactions to them.  The only other one we have tried is so expensive we cannot afford it, and even that is not a true anti seizure medication it is considered a booster to his other meds.  Dr. Robinson had her baby yesterday so she is out of our game until May 30th.  She wants us to do some more blood work when she gets back and make sure his liver is getting better and not worse, but honestly it is a 50/50.  

So pretty much here is our scenario..... we are giving him these medications to allow him to live a seizure free life in hopes that one day he can drive a car, have a job, and live a normal life, but on the flip side we are damaging his liver and are "hoping" it does not get too severe.  

We have things to watch for and I will not hesitate to take him in to be evaluated if I start to notice the liver is getting worse.  But we are also going to have faith that this is the plan we are supposed to be on.  That this is really going to be our Miracle, that his liver functions are just going to get better and his body is going to adjust to the medications to include no more seizures.  

Here is a little insight into our world, this blog shows you some of what we struggle with, however honestly I sugar coat and leave things out so that I can stay positive.  For example last night Shawn and I were in bed watching TV I heard what sounded like a gurgling noise.  I was starting to panic thinking Braydon was seizing.  I shot up and looked around and Shawn had to let me know that it was just Braydon laughing.  I don't tell you these things to feel sorry for us, I tell you so you know what 1 in every 26 people struggle with everyday.   We will be ok and this is just another bump in our extremely bumpy road.  

Shawn and I both used to get so angry at what "life has dealt us" but honestly we know we can handle it and that is why time and time again life throws us a curve ball.  I do ask however that March 26th is wear purple for Epilepsy day and yet again I am going to ask all of you to bust out your purple for B.

Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face

     Shaken to my core does not even begin to describe the past few weeks.  When you are told that a little girl you have watched grow up both online and in person passes away very unexpectedly it takes your breath away and honestly I have not caught it back yet. 

I keep asking myself why would God take such a perfect soul?  So pure, sweet and innocent.  I also know you are never supposed to question God and if there is one thing I have learned over the years it is there is a reason and it may be one I never know.  My heart has physically hurt for the family and the sadness has been overwhelming for me so I cannot even begin to know how the family feels.  Presley Elle Wood I consider myself lucky to have been a small part of your big world.  You have and will forever will continue to change this world.  I know you are in no pain and your looking over this world getting sassy with us for all still crying.  Please continue to pray for this family,  I do not know how to help other than to pray!

    The next two weeks are super busy and appointment filled for the Fowler Clan.  Let me Start with Braydon......


    Braydon has a few appointments on Tuesday.  The kid is really starting to turn into a medical mystery and it is making me crazy lol.  We have a lot of issues to address and one of them is something I don't want to address but feel it necessary.  I am starting to wonder if all the medications have finally gotten to him and if he is a bit depressed.  I am trying so hard to differentiate what is normal teenage behavior and what is a medicine induced depression and honestly I cant tell.  It sucks guys it really does.  Pretending everyday I am not worried about him and continuing on with living as normal life as possible.  I spend so much of my time stressed that he is not ok and wondering if the way I am handling everything is the wrong way.  Just know that you may not realize the struggles people are facing and you may not know what is truly in their heart.

     Anyways we have several appointments for him on Tuesday,.  Hopefully we will get this all figured out and all my stress and worry is nothing. He also has a new symptom.  His right hand is shaking uncontrollably and we have no clue why.  Dr. Robinson thinks one of two things.  It could by a new type of seizure or toxic levels of Anti Epileptics in his symptom.  Neither are a good scenario for us.  My heart is breaking for him.  I worry day in and day out that he is just in a situation that he will never see himself out of. 

Now to Claudia, oh lordy Claudia lol

     Claudia has taken up running as a way to let off some steam and I am completely ok with that.  However her lungs just suck.  She cant seem to recoup after a run and is struggling to catch her breath.  We have her inhaler and if she uses it before the run she is better but if she takes off without it she has a very very hard time regulating her breathing.  So we are going to see the Dr on Tuesday as well.  We are going to see if maybe we can get on a daily medication to help control the asthma.  Again it is not a problem until she starts the physical activity.  Cheer can be hard on her but honestly nothing is comparing to these mile runs she is taking, they are brutal. 

   On March 1st we see Dr Schoeneker and we are both excited to see him.  He is going to be super proud of all her progress but Claudia is ready to schedule the next surgery to reduce the clicking and resistance in her hip.  She cant wait to have full range of motion and shaving down the knot on her bone will allow that.  However lately she has been having some serious pain that is consistent with what they believe could be arthritis.  She is miserable some days and the pain is so bad her hip physically locks up.  So Dr. S wants to discuss with us the possibility of removing some of the metal in her hip to reduce those symptoms.  Claudia is begging me to not even consider that because it will be another major surgery and the Knot will be very minor in comparison.  We will take it all in and make an informed decision as a family. 

     My current devils are sadness.  I am normally a happy go lucky person and honestly I am sad and stressed right now.  Never assume you know what is going on in someones life always take the high road and have some compassion.  I think compassion is lacking in so many people these days.  Understand that you may have NO CLUE what is going on in someones personal life and that very well may be affecting their normal day to day life.  Know that while you may be having a bad day someone might be having it worse. 

Try kindness this week and compassion and see how much farther your smile will go. 

And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been.

Good Evening Everyone

I hope your year is starting off with a little happiness.  Although we rang in the new year at home in bed half asleep, it was still a good one.  Every year I go into the New Years eve with hopes of this grand night that will be so magical and every year I am disappointed lol, one year I will get my grand magical night right?

2016, what can I say other than I am over it!  It was a miserable year from the start and I hope and pray that 2017 will be kinder on my family.  Although few positives from 2016 were my Bff getting married, announcing that she is having a baby and my two sister seemed to have a great year.  

I am so excited for the potential that  2016 has.  Braydon is sure to have an AMAZING year.  So February will mark one year that he has been a member of the Clarksville Post Explorers through the Montgomery County Sheriff office.  He will be going to Gatlinburg with a few other team mates were he will be able to participate in a very large competition among other Explorers from other locations.  Shawn and I both took time off and cannot wait to go watch him shine.  The kid cannot wait to become a police officer and I just know he is going to be amazing.  Here is a link to the information on Winterfest

 http://www.bsawinterfest.org/

Then in May he has Camp Carpe Diem.  This will be Braydon's 5th trip to Georgia to participate in it.  He was super nervous because the rules used to be when you turn 15 you become a counselor in training and he honestly said he wasn't ready for that.  As luck may have it the rules have changed and he will going again, just as a camper just the way he likes it.  Here is a link to learn more about Camp Carpe Diem.

 https://www.choa.org/campcarpediem

Then in July he will be jet setting off to Ireland.... OMG!!  He will be spending several days in Ireland, then to Wales and will finish the trip in London.  He already has his passport and all we do is wait.  He will be going with 14 other classmates and two teachers.  He will be in for a real experience.  You can learn a little about his tour and help him get there with a donation.

 http://personal.eftours.com/secure/make-donation.aspx?poid=D351539B&utm_medium=web&utm_source=paxsecure&utm_campaign=fundraising

Then Shawn and I have decided to take the kids, his mom and my mom on a cruise for Christmas next year.  Our kids are getting older and at that point will be 13 and 16 and are really going to be more independent.  We are thinking a 7 night cruise to some where warm!!  

2017 really has the potential to be amazing, especially for Braydon!!  We are currently seizure free and have been for a couple months.  We go to see Dr. Robinson in February and we follow up with his regular Dr on the same day.  Sadly the last few liver function tests have declined and they have some concerns that the medication is doing number on his liver.  So when we go we will discuss further what they think and want to do.  It's my hope that the medication just initially sent his liver into a "shock" and it has bounced back.

2017 will hopefully conclude the nightmare with Claudia's hip, well at least for now.  We are hoping she does not need the second surgery, however it is likely.  We are hoping to to knock it out over spring break since it will significantly easier on her than this last ordeal.  She just needs to get her hip shaved a bit and then she will be as good as new.  She is currently enrolled in an extra cheer squad and completing classes such bank hand spring clinic and jump clinics.  She is without a doubt not letting this whoop her!!

Here's to another year, hopefully this one a bit more healthier than the last for our family!!

Happy New Years Everyone!

“...You say to God, “I have never seen you provide for me.” God says to you, “You have never trusted Me.”

     Well today we made a "Hail Mary"pass with the neurologist.  We had Braydon start with a chiropractor in hopes that the adjustments he was giving Braydon would affect him neurologically.  His Atlas at the base of his skull was out of place which is common in children who were in the birth canal for longer periods of time and he was.  Dr. Jeff (chiropractor)  popped it back into place and we've had a few visits with him.

     So lets start with the positive in all of this.  Dr. Jeff and his crew at Source chiropractic really cared about Braydon.  To win me over, all you have to do is care about my kids and he did.  He is so excited to see the results of this and see what we can accomplish with this care.  He spent so much time asking his whole history and asking questions about his condition.  Another positive is Dr. Robinson-Shelton (Neurologist) is pregnant and so very adorable.  When she has this baby boy and is totally in love with him while she is on maternity leave will suck, I'm used to her being at my fingertips, but she was glowing and I am so happy for her.  She is going to see us in four months as apposed to the normal six months so she can see us again before she has the baby.  Another plus, she always remembers us.  She always ask where Claudia is when she is not there, she asked Braydon about his academy classes, etc.  Again..... all you have to do is care for my kid and you win my heart.

    The negative, well Dr. Robinson Shelton said there is no chance that the chiropractic work done will help with his seizures.  His type of epilepsy is deep inside the brain and an adjustment will not help.  She did tell me to continue to take him, because the atlas being out of place can cause other neurological issues like headaches.  I have still insisted on an sleep deprived EEG because I need to know that it wont help, I need to see it.  I'm not sad, slightly disappointed, but not sad.  I got emotional this am at the thought that this could be the end of this nightmare, however I was quickly snapped back to reality and realized its just not that easy. 

     We had our first Depakote blood panel.  She will call me with the results, however I have instant access to them and so far they are not looking great.  Some of the liver levels are high, blood glucose level was high again, and he has been super sleepy which has her concerned.  He sleeps a lot and Ive learned that could be a liver symptom.  Who knows, she may tell me the levels are fine and she expected this starting the new meds!!  Just have to wait to here from her. 

      So we will schedule the EEG for asap, cross our fingers and hope and pray.  Today I am going to choose to trust.  Sadly as a christian I usually pick and choose what I put in God's hands and we should always place all our trouble and doubts in his hands.  So today I am placing this in his hands and I am know he will provide, may not be the way I want it done, but I know there is a plan much greater than me.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain

      Today's Post name is thanks to my sister Laurie, she was letting her children party in the rain and it made me very happy!

       Well this week was a week to say the least.  4 seizures that we know for sure and other possibilities.  While I had one the kid in the Vanderbilt ER the other kid was at the school nurses needing picked up and then there was me.  Trying my very best to keep my emotions in check and not scream and yell "that's it, I quit being mom today, call someone else".


     Let's start with Braydon and his pretty crappy week.  Monday morning happened and I immediately saw it in his face, he was pale, he was irritable, he had a massive headache, and an upset stomach.  It looked like he a had a seizure the night before.  He went to school, came home and we were getting ready to go to a football game and he gets sick(not sick sick, I'm having seizures your not catching sick).  Yup, it's gonna be a week, so we stay home from the game and hang out at home.  I noticed warning signs all week and I don't necessarily ignore them but I don't jump to it and become proactive.  It's not like I can stop them, I really cant but maybe I could have cushioned them. 

     Thursday rolls around and I get off the bus at work (I drive a small bus to take the kids to school in the am at the preschool I work at) and I notice I have a missed call on my cell.  I always check my cell after stopping the bus, it is a fear of my mine the kids will have a medical emergency while I am driving.  It is the ONLY time of each day I am not accessible by phone.  The only time!!  I immediately look up the number and it is Braydons school, I call back and they tell me he is in the nurses office.  Long story short he spent both Thursday and Friday in the nurses office with seizure activity.  Friday I was in the ER with Claudia when they called, so Lets visit that for a second!!

    Claudia, Lord have mercy Claudia!!  So lets start from the beginning.  In March she started to limp.  I took her to the Dr in April and he tells us it is a pulled muscle and gave us exercises to work it out.  Fast forward to July, she is limping worse than ever and her right foot is turning out.  Way out.  So we make a trip to Michigan and a family member tells us, ummmm nope that's not normal take her to the DR asap and demand an xray.   After we leave Michigan (After the WORST family vacation EVER) we drive all night to make it to TN (not because of her leg, other reasons) and we get home at roughly 10am.  I drove the whole night and we get some stuff done that had to be done and then I take a shower and take Claudia to Dr Care.  The woman pretty much dismisses me and I have to beg for the xray.  She was some smart remarks but I got my xray.  I could tell by the way the xray tech was looking at me something was wrong, very wrong.  They tell his she is going to require surgery and that we need to wait for her to send a consult to a local company and wait 6-8 days for them to get her in.  Um, no thank you we are going to Vanderbilt.

     I pick up my mom, call Shawn and tell him what is going on and to Nashville we go.  We walk into the ER, go straight to a room and get some Xrays.  The orthopedics guy comes in and explains Claudia has a SCFE.  Slipped capital femoral epiphysis (SCFE or skiffy, slipped upper femoral epiphysis, SUFE or souffy, coxa vara adolescentium) is a medical term referring to a fracture through the growth plate (physis), which results in slippage of the overlying end of the femur (epiphysis).  Crazy huh, well they admit her and tell us surgery first thing the am to fix it.  At this point I am exhausted and Claudia is literally "lets do this" because she had been in pain for so long.  Her surgeon comes in the next morning and he tells us the only way to correct her turned leg is to cut the femur in half, rotate it, and use plates and screws to put it together.  So when I say MAJOR surgery I mean it.  After a few more days in the hospital we go home with a new hip.  Although the pain was crazy I think in general Claudia feels much better!!  And she has a super cool story.  

      Now to this week, Claudia was having some CRAZY neurological issues.  Numbing in the head, tingling in the head, sleeping like crazy, weird head aches and even some confusion.  She really freaked me out, so while waiting for an appointment to see the Dr it got really bad so I took her into the ER.  They get her all situated and start talking to her and realize she is having migraines.  Hemiplegic Migraine to be exact and this type of Migraine actually mimics a stroke.  

    This week has just sucked, like a lot.  But with that being said, I'm alive, my children are relatively ok ( lol) and my husband is well.  Really it can always be worse, it really can.  Braydon had a new seizure med added to his medication.  Prayers for us as we introduce that.  These seizure meds are brutal on these people.  They are a necessary evil to say the least!!  Claudia is healing well and even cheering on her bum hip, which is a HUGE deal.  We are very lucky and I am blessed to have such a crazy jacked up family :)

     Have a great long weekend everybody!!!