Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.

“I want to grow. I want to be better. You Grow. We all grow. We’re made to grow. You either evolve or you disappear.” — Tupac Shakur

    It has been a minute, or a few years since I posted on my blog.  But let's get into why I am here. Today I saw on Facebook a post about supporting Ben Neely Trauma Support Inc.  Ben Neely is not anyone whom I have ever personally met, however, his story rocked my heart as his sweet momma lost a piece of her.  So I immediately went to the website and signed up to volunteer.   Not long after Ben's mom reached out Via Facebook and I was super excited to hear from her, I am officially going to get to Volunteer at my first BNTS event in November.  Fast Forward to my drive home, having a lot on my heart, head, you name it, and spending the car ride with thoughts flooding my brain. When I got home, I sat in my car, which is a way I like to decompress.  I get back on the good ole Facebook and see that 5 years ago today I shared a very raw part of my life with everyone.  I choose to discuss Claudia's Suicide attempt publicly.

    Why does this matter?  I still struggle each and every day with that one day 5 years ago.  Claudia is great and doing the best she has ever done, I do however struggle daily.  After talking with my sister she mentioned finding something that makes me happy again.  Finding how I can find that piece of me that I need to repair and a way to repair it.  How amazing is it that on the same day, I was reminded of my love of writing AND found an organization to volunteer with and a way to channel this piece of me that needs repairing?

    So where are the Fowlers in life?  Braydon is working his dream job, but not as a police officer.  He is working at the Ruff Life Pet Resort and KILLING it.  

    Claudia is living her best 19-year-old life, spending time with her besties, and boyfriend, and working at the Ruff Life as well.  She continues to work hard towards becoming a Paramedic.

    Shawn is also Killing it at work, continuing to be better than he was the day before and doing his best to ensure that his employees are well cared for and happy!  He is still 100% my best friend and I absolutely love doing life with him!

    What about me?  Well, I made a HUGE change in October leaving my job of 18 years to start a new adventure.  I am the Director of Operations for Primrose Preschool.  I love my new job, my coworkers, and the families.  It was a difficult decision but one that was much needed for my personal growth.   After leaving I was pushed away, deleted, ignored, and accused of things by people that I truly loved.  My mental health declined and it took me a while to find my worth again, but I have learned I create my worth, no one else sets that for me.  I cannot choose how others treat me, I can however make the choice on how I react.  I am slowly rebuilding what was taken from me by those that I trusted and I personally believe I am KILLING it too!!  So let them.........

“Let Them”

“Just Let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave,
hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

Let them lose you.
You were never theirs, because you were always your own.

So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you. “

    

  

The best way to predict the future is to create it

Good Morning all!!  Hope everyone is having an amazing Sunday.  I felt compelled to get on and drop a few lines.  Lets do a recap!!

Braydon is a HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR!!  My word where did the time go?  We went from having this tiny sweet boy to this grown man and I swear all I did was blink.  His seizures are very well controlled and things seem to be going very well.  He works a lot and is doing his best to make this year count at school.  He has his 1st neurology appointment as an adult next month and I am honestly contemplating if I should go or not.  I am really thinking I will sit this one out and let him do his thing solo.  It gives me a lot of anxiety, but he is an adult. 

He is hoping to go to a 2 year school and get his degree in Criminal Justice and become a Montgomery County Sheriffs Deputy.  He is still very active in the Explorers group and does very well with his training. 

Claudia is doing very well.  She is a normal teenage girl driving her mom crazy and the apple of dads eye lol!!  Grades are going very well and I am hoping this year will be the turn around for school.  She finished several rounds of EMDR therapy with her amazing therapist and I think she is on the path to healing.  Life will never be the same, but I think we are all healing.

The aftermath from the day she tried to take her own life is still very present in our lives.  I literally base so many of my decisions on my own life around that day.  I think about that day and how I could have changed the moments, day and even weeks up to it so that she never felt so much pain.  On average I replay it in my head 3 times a day sometimes more if we are having a bad day.  My healing has been helping others. 

To all my people who look at my life in the constant state of chaos that it is, know that all people live in a constant state of chaos.  Only a few select special ones like myself choose to share it publicly.  Every person I know and talk to has anxiety, stress, and home life problems.  Choose your future.  My life will never be cookie cutter perfect and neither will yours.  My future will continue to be the same hot mess my current life is (I seriously locked myself out of my house on Friday and had to have the BFF come and pick me up). 

So my words of wisdom on this Sunday Morning-

Always be the mom you wanted, even though it will still not be the perfect mom to your child.
Choose to be happy, sometimes it is the hardest thing, but try.
Take your heartache and turn it into something amazing. 

You have the Power to say "This is not how my story will end".

   This past week was suicide prevention week.   While I did not post much I can tell you each and everyday I had a thought and or a small mental breakdown.  While lots of other things were keeping my mind busy it was the constant thing at the forefront of my mind all week.  I couldn't talk about it without wanting to cry so I just ignored it.  Probably not the best coping method but realistically it got me through a rough week.  I have nothing going on the rest of this day so today I figured I would face it head on.  In honor of National Suicide Prevention Week I will share my side of the hardest days of my life.  I am the one that was potentially left behind.  I was the one that almost planned a funeral, buried my daughter and hit rock bottom.  Again her story is not mine to tell, but when a suicide occurs there are several stories to tell......here is mine.

     Pink, the greatest and most amazing musical artist of my generation (well at least for me).  I got to spend an amazing evening with my closest friends watching her SLAY on stage while staying in a 2 bedroom suite in one of the nicest hotels I have ever stayed in.  It was AMAZING.  I woke up that morning, March 28th and got on my phone.  I discovered that Claudia had made a "spam" Instagram at some point over the past few weeks and people were sending her messages that were pretty inappropriate for her age.  While I knew she had not even checked the messages yet let alone respond, I had questioned her days before this at whether or not she had a spam account.  I texted her and told her we needed to talk when I got home, I was not okay with the Spam account and that we needed to talk.  She asked when I would be home and I said around 3.

     After a fun car ride home I pull into my driveway at 3pm almost on the nose.  Braydon had already left for work and my father in law was washing dishes in the kitchen.  I called for Claudia and did not get a response.  I assumed that she was asleep, she had a sleepover the night before and I know they stay up late.  I knocked on her door and she did not answer so I walked in and the worst smell I have even smelled hit me in the face.  I get closer and notice there is a brown vomit everywhere.  Covering her face, bed, floor, everywhere.  I woke her up and it was hard, I had to physically shake her to get her up.  At this point I am panicked.  She finally wakes up and she is extremely confused, shaking and cannot stand up.  She tried and her legs buckled and she smacked into her dresser hitting her head.  My first thought is she is drunk, very drunk.  Shawn has a love for alcohol (a healthy one for the judgemental people in the group) and our unlocked liquor cabinet was full of lots of different drinks. 

    I make a few phone calls one being Shawn and after making those phone calls I decide she has alcohol poisoning and she is sick, very sick.  The new standalone ER in our town is less than a mile from us so I make the decision to get her in the car and take her to the ER.  I had to carry her.  We got to the ER and I pull up to the door and walk in to get a wheel chair.  I put her in it and wheel her to the front desk and say "Here is a drunk 13 year old, good luck".  Not my finest moment as a mom and the thing I regret the most out of the entire situation.  By the time I park the car and get back in they are feverishly working on her.  They start asking me a slew of questions, most of which I cannot answer since I found her this way not knowing what actually happened.  I am quickly informed that her heart rate was over 200, her blood sugar was dangerously low and she was severely dehydrated.

     At this point I am escorted out of the room so they could work on her.  They inform that they will possibly need to shock her heart to get her heart rate under control.   I make several more phone calls.  At this point Two of my Angels show up.  Carlee and Chelsie are in the waiting room.  So I was in and out of the ER room keeping them updated.  Then is dawns on me, my drunk child was with OTHER kids, there are other kids who could be in the state.  I immediately call the mom of the girl she was with, they also live in our neighborhood and she was at the ER within minutes as well.  At some point Shawn shows up.  Not sure what point but he walks in.  I went out to update everyone waiting and the mom of the friend hands me her cell phone and says my daughter has something you need to know.  I say hello and I immediately hear "When Claudia left my house she said she was going home to kill herself".

    I don't know how but I immediately went into "HOLY SHIT" mode when I realized she tried to kill herself.  I called the house and asked my mother in law to check the trash cans, she started pulling bottle after empty bottle out of the trash can.  So I run back into the room and tell the doctors it was a suicide attempt.  Secretly I think they already knew and did not have enough evidence to tell me that.  Shortly after my mother in law comes in with a Walmart bag full of empty pill bottles.  The look of disgust the doctor gave me when I handed over that bag and the laced with disdain questions he asked as he read each bottle was something my soul will never forget. 

      I went out to the waiting room to tell everyone that Claudia tried to kill herself.  At that exact moment I had a one minute melt down and I curled up into a ball and sobbed while Carlee and Chelsie held me.  It was the one and only time I let myself break down.  I immediately wiped my tears and went back to being Mom and doing what needed to be done.  

     It was shortly after they informed me that there was nothing more that they could do for her and that they were transporting her to Vanderbilt.  My sister showed up and agreed to handle talking to the family, mom and sister and she got a hold of Braydon's boss and got him off early.  My in laws were heading to him to tell him what was going on.  The two besties went to the gas station and filled my car with gas so we could make the trip down to Nashville.  The nurse then came in and told us this was a critical transfer and that they would be going very fast with lights and sirens to Nashville.  Usually transfer take hours to arrange and within ten minutes of them telling us, she was being loaded up to go to Vanderbilt.  The ambulance staff took my cell and said they would call if any issues came up but also told me lights and sirens on the interstate can be more dangerous than helpful and that while they would be going fast the lights and sirens would only come on if she crashed.  So we loaded up and followed the ambulance the whole way down. 

    We arrive in the ER and she goes through the ambulance bay and we go through the front door where we are met by a slew of people asking questions and needing us to follow them.  We get back to her critical care room and the ambulance is handing her off.  Keep in mind since I woke her up she was extremely confused, making no sense, and delusional.  She said lots of funny things in the ambulance to include telling the driver she knew exactly where they were going, they were on their way to the ramen noodle factory.  Its ok to laugh, it was funny and made us all laugh.  This started several hours of her not sleeping, she was in and out of lucidness and all we could do was wait. 

     When we finally got in a room, it takes a while because you need a sitter, everything was zip tied closed, all cords and wires were removed if they were not attached to her and we had to remove all of our own personal items.  There was a cabinet outside the room where we kept cell phones, chargers and my purse.  AT this point the life specialist came around and told us what would happen next,  Luckily I have a sister that semi deals with this on a regular basis so she had already walked me through best case scenario and worst case scenario.  So honestly I was already prepared for the "She has to go to an inpatient care facility".

     The next day I am informed that she is stable enough to transfer and that they have a bed across the street in the Stallworth rehabilitation center.  So we pack up all of our own belongings and get ready to take her over.  My heart was crushing and I was just as lost, scared and confused as Claudia was.  We walked her across the street and they gave me a list of what she could not have with her while in patient and let me know that twice a day I could visit her for an hour.  2 hours a day in an inpatient facility was all I had. 

    After I left her I realized I needed to go to the grocery store, we had no food.  I also needed to get her some pajamas with no drawstrings and some travel toiletries, etc.  The thought of facing people was making me physically ill, I had no desire to run into any person I knew and feel the need to discuss with them why I looked like I had been hit by a freight train.  So I went out of my way to go to different cities to shop.  It was at this point I decided I needed to return to work.  I needed normal and I needed distractions.  So I decide to go back to work on Monday, using long breaks and leaving early to get my 2 visitations.  I lasted 1 day and I am not sure that it was even a full day, for the 1st time in my life I was truly broken. 

     The visits with her were grueling and watching other children never get a visitor was hard.  We would bring her a snack each time which was allowed and we tried to bring stuff for the kids who never had visitors and they would not allow it.  Not only was Claudia in the scariest place I have ever been but so were other children who were having the worst days of their lives and they did not have someone to visit them.  One little girls dad was on his honeymoon with his new wife.........  while I want to judge this dad the one thing this has taught me is you never know someones else's story.  But my heart still very much broke for the kids in there. 

     Suicide is a decision that affects everyone.  It affects every person around you.  My heart has still not recouped from this and my mental status is still on edge.  In between visits I went to the dr to get medication to numb the pain and make it through.  If you or someone you know wants to end their life get help.  Know you are important and loved.  I was told multiple times by multiple doctors her case is a scary one.  That she truly wanted to die.  This was not a cry for her help or a half assed suicide attempt to get mom and dads attention, she truly wanted to end her life to avoid the pain.  Again to us suicide is selfish, this whole post from me is about me and how I felt, which is also selfish.  We are humans and we do what is best for us, suicide is no different.  

  

Tears are words that need to be written 1-800-273-8255

     This will be the hardest blog I ever write.  I am about to give you the rawest form of me, the weakest and the most broken.  I have written this no less than 10 times and deleted it.  I am going to paint a picture for you.  Do not judge as it will not do what this blog is intended to do.  This blog is to inform parents, grandparents and anyone who loves someone on the dangers of anxiety, depression and raw emotions.

     March 28th of this year I came home to find Claudia unconscious and covered in her own vomit.  She was incoherent, not able to stand and delirious.  I rushed her to the nearest emergency room where they informed me that it was very serious, at one point I was escorted out of the room.  They thought they needed to shock her heart to get the rhythm in control (her heart rate was in the 200's), her blood sugar was dangerously high, severe dehydration and those were just the worst of the problems.

     What seemed like a lifetime later we discovered that she had taken a lethal dose of pills with the intention of killing herself.  7 prescription bottles and handful of Benadryl.  She wanted to die.  She was immediately transferred to Vanderbilt where she was admitted to the critical care unit and remained there for 3 days.

     While in critical care we wanted no one to come around.  The only ones allowed in the room were us and her sitter.  A sitter is someone is required to be in the room at all times.  While we were sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, etc.  We could not have cell phone cords, everything was locked and taped up so that there was nothing in the room that could be used for her to harm herself.

     While in this room I began to make my phone calls.  Luckily my sister and friends had taken care of the key players and allowed me not to have to tell everyone, I still needed to tell those who have loved Claudia and who have watched her grow.  One special person needed to know, someone who recently had her own loss of epic proportions, someone who had been to the rock bottom and leapt back to the top.   Without hesitation she let me know she was getting in the car and would be to us within the next 7 hours, because that is how far away she lives.  At this point Shawn had gone home to comfort Braydon and decided he needed to return to work.

   A mere 6 hours later an angel showed up in the middle of the night and comforted me.  She allowed me and Claudia both to sleep.  While I went down to the cafeteria to eat breakfast they talked, to this day I am not sure about what but they talked.  A short time later we discovered that Claudia's bed was ready across the street at the psychiatric hospital.  She walked with us over there and held me while I cried as I let Claudia go.  I was only allowed to visit her twice a day for an hour a piece.  I had to leave her in the scariest place she had ever been and walk away.

    She spent 7 days there before she was able to come home, the day before her 14th birthday.  She was diagnosed with severe anxiety that led to a single depressive moment.  She is doing well and weve made some changes within our family.  While life around me continues my world is still standing still, on March 28th.  While I don't blame myself I replay the day over and over again attempting to figure out what went wrong. 
   
      So why is this the rawest thing?  I am PETRIFIED of being judged.  What do we as parents do?  We protect our children, we make sure they are always ok and I failed.  We all fail as parents at something, sometimes its little and other times it is epic.  Instead of supporting each other at our fails we tend to talk about each other and belittle those mothers who have failed their children.  Why?  Usually because it makes us feel better right?  I spend everyday and every night afraid to fail again, next time will she be dead?  She came awfully close this time.

   Things you need to know as parents, grandparents and caretakers......  Benadrly is used in more suicides than you probably realize.  LOCK IT UP and ALL other medications.  Learn signs of depression and anxiety in children.  Claudia gave us no known signs she was struggling, not a single one.  All the doctors told us she truly wanted to die, talk to your kids.  We do all the time and did and sometimes there is nothing that can be done, however I know this was not our fault.

   If you have questions, just ask.  We do not want any other family to have to go through what we have been through. 

A lot of what is beautiful in this world arises from struggle

Hello everyone!  Sorry Ive not been updating.  We've been super busy over in the Fowler household and I have not had the chance to update.  So lets start with Team Impact!

So Braydon was able to join an organization Called Team Impact.  Not sure if I had the chance to explain it however, it is for children who have/ have had chronic illness.  They get to join a college sports team and become a part of the team.  We got to join the APSU baseball team and Braydon was able to attend and practice with the boys and then also be in the dugout of every home game.  We absolutely fell in love with all the boys and the coach.  This team is TOP NOTCH for both talent and being all around good people.  I can not say enough wonderful things about both the organization and the baseball team.  It got Braydon out of the house and around people, he really needed it.  Here is a picture of him and Jordan one of the players he became close with. 

Braydon also has really really flourished in his Explorers program.  He is truly excelling in the program and has decided to start training for the competition in February.  He has made some awesome friends and when it comes to volunteering to work he does not moan and groan, he loves doing it.  Not many kids I know that have their life planned out but he does and being an officer is at the top of that list.  Here he is at a local run honoring a fallen officer.

We had a ton of amazing firsts this summer and Braydon got to meet my Uncle Mac, which is my dad's brother.  My dad passed in 2003 and he did not leave the majority of his family on good terms.  Ive always stayed in touch with my Aunt Mary, however my dads brothers have been a different story.  I have minimal memories of my Uncle Mac but the ones I do have were at the beach.  Well this summer my children got to meet him and it was the most amazing thing ever.  Uncle Malcolm looks and sounds so much like my dad it was amazing.  I am so very glad my children got to meet him and I cannot wait to have many more family vacations of us all together.  I love my family more than they will ever know and I am so incredibly lucky that my Aunt and Uncle love it when we crash their beach vacation. Here are a few pictures from the beach!

 Braydon got his permit this summer!  WHOOP WHOOP!  One of the biggest things we wanted to accomplish this summer was staying seizure free long enough to get the permit and we did it!  He has been driving all over town and will be getting his first car for his 16th birthday.  He passed the permit test on the first try and I could not be any more proud of him if I tried. 

Not long after he got his permit Braydon was off to Ireland, Wales and London.  He did fantastic!  I was so scared that he would be so forgetful that he would lose his money or passport and he didn't.  Responsibility is a huge thing for kids who live in a constant state of fog from all the medications.  He proved this summer he could handle it!  His teacher announced that the summer of 2019 that he would be taking a group to Germany and Italy and Braydon has already asked him to let us know when and where because he is going.  Here are a few of his pictures from the trip.

Then to end this amazing summer, Braydon got his first job at 15.  He is now making pizzas at Papa Murphys here in town.  He goes straight from school to work most days and works until around 7.  He is doing good at his job and more importantly he is stepping out of his comfort zone and trying to get more social.  Before he was diagnosed he was a super social child and once he started the medications it instantly shut off.  It was like a light switch.  But now he is working on it and getting out there more.

Because of his new job we missed his most recent Neuro Appointment.  We went in and got blood work to check this liver though.  While the initial blood work is showing his liver function is returning back to normal she wants to run an additional panel and recheck a few things this week so we will head back down.  Hopefully they continue to improve. 

Claudia is in full force cheer after her second hip surgery.  She is starting to run again and is pushing herself much harder than the average person.  Her grades are phenomenal and she is starting to amaze me with her capabilities.  She is so super smart, but chose to take the easy path and never study which got her ok grades.  So far this year she is pushing hard and I like it.  Between her hip and a life she has been knocked down by those curve balls a lot, but she always gets back up. 

Well, we are moving in the next two weeks!  We are buying a slightly larger home in the same neighborhood and we have made a mother in laws quarters in the home for my in laws.  So it will be a new crazy adventure for all of us I am sure, but like with everything It is just something new for us to conquer. 

Right now things are good and as with everyone it can change in the blink of an eye.  I am so very thankful for the good times because it always out weighs the bad. 

The purpose of life is to contribute in some way to making things better

     Well you win some and you lose some.  It looks like tonight might be a loss for our boys at APSU.  But, I don't think any of those boys realize what they are winning even when they lose. 

     So through team Impact we have become active and excited APSU baseball fans to include my husband who has never even been a baseball fan.  We thoroughly enjoy spending our weekends out at the baseball field.  Claudia has a blast and has made friends with several of the parents of the baseball players and actively engages in the games to win APSU gear. 

     When we first started this Braydon was hesitant to do it.  I loved the idea of hanging out with the College Baseball team but he is not a social kid and he was scared and nervous.  One of the things I miss the most about Braydon pre epilepsy was his spark for life and his ability to make a stranger his best friend.  He went from being one of the most outgoing children you would ever meet, he did a fashion show, he loved meeting new people, and love playing with other kids.  Epilepsy caused him to be afraid of life and the medication used to control the epilepsy takes his spark.  It really sucks. 

     Jordan and the other boys on the baseball are allowing me glimpses of the kid he once was.  I see the spark from time to time.  Tonight we saw the spark.  Shawn did not want me to pursue this.  He said it would be one more commitment and it was just "too much", tonight Shawn admitted defeat and said this has been one of the best things we could have done for Braydon.  Winning me over is easy, winning Shawn is almost impossible and a baseball team of college boys were not who I thought would do it.

     Winning baseball games comes easy to these boys.  They are amazing players and I have so much respect for all of them.  But they are killing being mentors to a young boy!!  Jordan and another boy ate lunch with Braydon today at school.  They took time out of their day to get B his favorite food, show up and hang out with him.  They are without a doubt changing his life.  When I told Jordan that he was going to make Braydons day his response was "He is going to make my day". 

     The Govs lost on the field but continue to crush at the game of life, these boys are amazing players and people and I know they will all do great things both on and off the field.  If you get the chance join the Fowlers for a game.  We will be at the next home game Friday May 5th. 

One strong wind does not make a storm.

     Hello, all.  Surgery is over and we are home from the hospital to get better.  Surgery went great.  Anesthesia and the Doctor both said she did flawless and even though it took longer her body took it well.  For my science people I have decided to show pictures of what they did.  Her doctor LOVED taking pictures of her hip.  

     So they went in to shave the bone (femur) into a head.  Her femur needed a head and neck and she did not have one because her hip was out of place for so long.  So his plan was to check her Hip Labral (the Cartilage) and shave her femur.  

   So here is Pic #1, this shows the femur before the started the shave.  You can see the divits in the bone that are not allowing it to move properly.

So he knew immediately he would have a ton to do.  So then he shows us her labral.  It was shredded.  He said he had never seen anything that bad in a 12 year old ever.  He is an adult doctor and he said this is the normal for an older adult retired athlete.  

The tiny little shredded particles are supposed to be smooth and solid, not shredded.  So he went to work and anchored the Labral to the bone behind it.  It took three anchors to hold it down.  

He used nylon rope to anchor it in and this is him putting in anchor #2.  Her body handled it all very well and he was impressed with how well she did.

Here is her bone after it was shaved.  You can see he created the head and neck and now the head is smooth not bumpy.

She is one tough cookie, gonna be honest if a Doctor did all this to me you would have to put me out to pasture lol.  We are super proud of her and she cannot wait to show everyone her pics in person.  She is proud of her super cool new hip!!